Chuck Norris loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child’s eye, and run away.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Chuck naked.
It was reported that Chuck Norris had given millions of dollars to AIDS research. After a thorough investigation, the reports were found to be false because Chuck had actually said, “I’ve given millions AIDS."
Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.
Chuck Norris has fake tits.
Chuck Norris’s shit is already packed.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.
Chuck Norris turned down the Tom Hanks' role in Philadelphia because, he said, “It hits to close to homo... I mean home."
Chuck Norris is trying to bring back the “fanny pack."
Chuck Norris once ALMOST finished an entire double-mocha frappuccino latte at Starbucks, but stopped when he started to feel “woozy."
Chuck Norris loses bladder control while watching scenes from Death Wish III that feature the epitome of masculinity, Charles Bronson.
The line “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street” originated when Chuck Norris, nervous and eager to have sex with puppets, lost his way to the Sesame Street auditions.
Chuck Norris once hid his cornflakes in a safe because he heard a serial killer was on the loose.
Chuck Norris once stuck his cock up a man’s nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.
Chuck Norris was once struck by a van, and miraculously revived at the hospital. His family sued the hospital.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the gay porn he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.
Chuck Norris is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he get jealous of the woman.
Chuck Norris clutches the hell out of his Coach bag.
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Chuck Norris was originally slated to appear on the first Street Fighter video game until the producers of the game noticed that every button pressed resulted in a roundhouse kick to the face. When asked about the glitch, Chuck Norris replied, ''What glitch?''
Chuck Norris keeps a dick up his ass as much as possible to keep Jet Li from kicking it.
To get enough protein to feed his muscles, Chuck Norris ejaculates directly into his mouth on an hourly basis. After a doctor told him that semen has virtually no protein in it and advised him to discontinue the practice, Chuck killed the man with his hardest roundhouse kick ever.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are known as The Islands.
Chuck Norris once fucked his sister, because if anyone is going to fuck his sister, it’s going to be him!
Chuck Norris’s rap career ended early when he found he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Duck."
Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of showing everyone how loose his asshole is.
To this day, Chuck Norris is still washing his hair, because the shampoo bottle said “REPEAT” after “Lather and rinse."
Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck Norris because Gaping Bloody Vagina seemed too “butch."
Chuck Norris has been offered a role as “Dragger, Texas Deputy” in the new “Walker, Texas Ranger” show. The new show will star “Walker," a bionic piece of metal “Dragger” uses to get around.
Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear.
Chuck Norris is hung like Snuffleupagus, and only Big Bird can see it.
Chuck Norris wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling.
Chuck Norris watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming “Plant that pole and unleash on the backside!!" at the top of his lungs.
Chuck Norris' IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he’d score lower.
Chuck Norris is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Chuck Norris fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend.
Chuck Norris often joins beginner karate classes, just so that he can “accidentally” kick the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris gave his mom AIDS for Christmas.
The French once showed Chuck Norris an episode of Sesame Street. He surrendered just in case.
Chuck is a better man than you’ll ever be. Then again, so is Janet Reno.
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Chuck Norris refuses to put a song on his MySpace page until Wilson Philips' MySpace is no longer under construction.
When Chuck Norris sings karaoke, it’s always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won’t see him looking at the monitor for the words.
And on the third day God said, “Let there be light." Because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark.
The Chuck Norris food pyramid consists of sperm and Haagen Dazs.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. For every inch of hippo cock sucked, you received one point. But Chuck Norris once received an automatic 60 points and a lifetime of undeserved popularity for shaving a hippo’s pubes and hot-gluing them to his face.
Chuck Norris proves that everything isn’t “bigger in Texas."
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and decided he’d rather never see again.
In a recent poll, Chuck Norris beat the Hamburglar as the “World’s Biggest Ass Bandit."
Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as light sabers.
Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
Freddy Mercury wrote “Fat Bottomed Girls” after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Steve Hill to a writing contest. Steve Hill won.
When God was dealing stupidity, Chuck Norris told a retard in line, “No cuts, no butts! Okay, just butts."
The National Weather Service once mistakenly issued a Volcano Warning in response to Chuck Norris flushing his toilet.
Chuck Norris likes to get a good night’s sleep...with as many men as possible.
Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them “speed bumps."
When Chuck Norris gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.
Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.
Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
Chuck Norris’ farts smell like Vaseline.
Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.
Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
His dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he tickled his chin,
If my ass was a pussy Chuck Norris would fuck it.
Chuck Norris founded the PEE PEE Wax Club, but was later kicked out after he waxed his penis down to nothing.
Jonathan Ned Katz wanted Chuck Norris to use a condom, but he used a water balloon instead.
Chuck Norris is the leading cause of abstinence.
There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone.
Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.
Chuck Norris impaled the man from Nantucket with his own penis just to hold the title “Most Dicks Sucked...EVER!"
Chuck Norris once tried snorting Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.
Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him “Legally Small Penised."
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.
Chuck Norris fans are upset because Anti-Chuck Norris fans don’t spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. They just remember flicking through “Walker, Texas Ranger” and coming up with thousands of true, funny things to say about Chuck Norris. For instance, Chuck Norris is a martial artist who wears a cowboy hat in Texas and sports a ginger beard and tight jeans.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can’t have sex with 25 gold coins.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
In Pac-Man, Chuck Norris does not lose lives, they simply go on coffee breaks.
Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of “Just Say No," because he just says no all the time...to women.
Chuck Norris is so great, he doesn’t need to hurt the author of Anti-Chuck Norris facts. He’s too busy having sex with his wife and three daughters.
Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he’s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.
Chuck Norris once stopped mid round-house kick because he inexplicably soiled himself.
Chuck Norris had his penis surgically removed in order to make his roundhouse kicks higher.
For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it’s just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur’s yellow friend.
Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he pops two hemorrhoids.
Chuck Norris once completed a roundhouse kick so powerfully that all the hair from the top of his head ended up on his face. This is also the origin of his cowboy hat, a mark of shame.
Chuck Norris was kicked out of the CIA because he was unable to come up with a better codename than “Nuck Chorris." To add injury to insult, it was a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris hasn’t completed a full roundhouse kick since 1998, when he tore his sack during a taping of “Walker, Texas Ranger.“
Chuck Norris got the main part in Broke Back Mountian 2. It got shot down a week later because of 6 actors getting injured in the 18 different sex seans. Chuck Norris was on top.
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